


Tell me how's it feel?

by Fionir



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Break Up, F/M, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Kuroo is always this nice, Light Angst, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Making Up, Personal Growth, Reunions, Rewrite, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, Volleyball
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-15
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-01-30 23:02:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21436135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fionir/pseuds/Fionir
Summary: "You will go, right?", Yama asked studying the tense concentration with which the taller took a first bite of his favourite cake. "You have to, Tsukki! You worked so hard for...!""Shut up, Yamaguchi", the other interrupted, no sharpness just his signature way of telling the freckled he didn't wanna hear it. Yama mumbled his usual apology and let it go. After another bite the blond finally looked up. "I'll have to move to Tokyo." Yamaguchi leaned forward a little, reaching out underneath the table and gave Tsuki's hand a faint squeeze....Yama missed that feeling of Tsuki’s hand in his and the ease of just being with the friend he had known for so long.[This is a rewrite of my 'Name in the sky' OS the whole premise is basically the same, only this will have multiple chapters and dig deeper into the drama and hopefully make for a less confusing/experimantal read]
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Hinata Shouyou/Yachi Hitoka, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 13
Kudos: 22





	1. I was afraid to leave you on your own...

**Author's Note:**

> Before you get into this, please mind that the rating might go up if sexual stuff gets to explicit towards the end; I'll give another warning once we get there.
> 
> A while ago I wrote the 'Name in the Sky" OS after listening to Halsey's "Without me" for a solid two days. It was very experimental and thus flawed in execution but I still adore the idea and wanted to try and do it justice... so that's how this happened. This is my thrid attempt at it btw... >.< The whole premise is the same, I'm just trying to do better. You do not need to know the OS at all, in fact it's basically a giant spoiler, but I'm not telling you what to do.
> 
> No regular uploads but I'll eventually get to the end.  
Comments are highly appriciated. If you got questions I'll usually answer since I'm especially keen on hearing if I managed to fix the confusion that was a problem with the original... well that'll be hard to tell untill a few chapters in, so for now... please enjoy.

Yamaguchi Tadashi and Tsukishima Kei had never really needed things like smalltalk to be contempt around each other. For people passing by it must look awkward seeing two boys barely out of highschool just sit in quiet at a caffe, but when he was with Tsuki, the brunette didn't care too much about it. His mind was preoccupied anyway. The silence really wasn't unusual for them. His best friend not finishing his food wouldn't have been either, but the blond hadn't even touched the shortcake or the espresso. Yamaguchi snuck worrying glances but didn't push it, while the other stared off unreadable indifference firm on his face. Yama was halfway through his slice of cheesecake and currently emptying the sweetened Latte Macchiato in front of him when Tsuki's eyes passed him and stopped a little longer than usual, before he lowered his gaze to his plate.

"I'm in", was all he said, but it was enough to make Yamaguchi choke in surprise. He coughed it off and took the moment to fit the mood these past days to the new information. When Tsukishima had come back from Tokyo all closed off, he had decided not to bug him about it. Failure wasn't easy to stomach at times and he knew for Tsuki that applied even more, especially when he, much to his own distaste, cared about it. Well that had been the explanation Yama had concluded… proven wrong, he couldn't help the confusion. If the try out hadn't gone bad, what else was it? It wasn't exactly his first priority right now, he was just really glad for his friend.

"Tsukki, that's awesome!" The brunette beamed, voice low enough not to carry beyond their table, but his smile shone bright in a way it only did for Tsuki. The blond just picked up his drink sipping the bitter black, that Yama knew would have him making a face; he had tried it once. Tsuki was unfazed though and finally picked up the fork still not looking at the freckled. Yama's smile dropped a little concern creeping onto his face. "You will go, right?", Yama asked studying the tense concentration with which the taller took a first bite of his favourite cake. "You have to, Tsukki! You worked so hard for...!"

"Shut up, Yamaguchi", the other interrupted, no sharpness, just his signature way of telling the freckled he didn't want to hear it. Yama mumbled his usual apology and let it go. After another bite the blond finally looked up. "I'll have to move to Tokyo." Worry wasn't easy to read from Tsuki's face if it even showed at all, but in that moment Yamaguchi caught a glimpse of it.

He leaned forward a little, reaching out underneath the table and brushing over the other's knee. Tsukishima stared at him for a solid second before continuing to eat, his face softening just a little, as his free and found Yama’s. Yama smiled reassuringly and gave it a faint squeeze. A moment later both of them let go to get back to eating but the tension between them had eased a little. 

  
  
  


_ Yama missed that feeling. The unique connection he had felt with Tsuki’s hand in his and the ease of just being with the friend he had known since middle school. He had other friends now, unlike back then, but it wasn’t quite the same. Of course it wasn’t. Tsuki and him had grown into more than friends… they had never bothered with giving it a name, but they both knew what it was. Had been.  _ _   
_ _ Now Yamaguchi was leaning against a railing in the back of the stands of the Sendai City Areena and he hadn’t told anyone he’d be there. There were a lot of people around that he knew, not only on the court but in the audience. Yachi was sitting somewhere for sure and if she knew he was here she'd probably be a little mad before overthinking everything and worrying far too much. It's why he couldn't tell her in particular. She'd understand of course, but he just needed to do this on his own. He needed to give himself the option to leave without disappointing anyone but himself. _

_ He needed to figure out why he was almost too scared to run, yet couldn't take his eyes off of Tsuki, as his team entered the heavy cheers of their fans in their back.  
_


	2. Too far away to hold me...

Yama was in the library gathering the sources he needed for one of the first essays of his college career when he felt his phone buzz in his pocket. It had gotten quite late and it seemed he had forgotten time. Most people had cleared out by now, so luckily it was easy enough for him to find an empty stall to take the call. Usually these were meant for groups studying together but they'd do for keeping him from disturbing anyone by talking for a while, even though it made him feel a little guilty.   
He didn’t need to check the screen to know it was Tsukishima. The moment he had realized the time, he knew, because since the blond had moved away, they had talked around this time almost every evening. He really should have remembered… With a smile on his lips he duck into the small study room and answered in a low voice. “Tsukki!”   
A moment of silence greeted him but that wasn’t uncommon. “How’s your day been? I’m still in the library, sorry I forgot time a little.” Yamaguchi still felt wrong forcing himself to keep talking but it had become apparent that their silent company wasn’t quite the same through the humming of a phone line. The blond still barely talked, but it was the best they got for now. They hadn’t really had the time to talk about their future, because what also was apparent was, that…

“This isn’t working…” Tsukishima interrupted the smalltalk and made way for a shock of silence, tensing the moment and rippling through the reality Yamaguchi had arranged himself with. “What do you mean?”, he asked genuinely confused. There was a part of him that picked at his brain telling him he knew, had always known. It was a part he had learned not to listen to, especially thanks to Tsuki. He was still afraid it might be right…   
“I think we should break up.”   
In fact he was so afraid he might be right, that he didn’t quite hear that. He didn’t want to hear it, he just hoped he was misunderstanding, as the fear wrapped around his throat. His voice sounded strangled as he talked again. “Tsukki… I don’t understand… What’s wrong? Why?”   
“This was a stupid idea in the first place.” The other said with a click of his tongue. It broke Yamaguchi’s heart, yet he scrambled for a lifeline, anything to do about this. “If it’s the distance, I could try and transfer. Next semester. We could…” There wasn’t much to go of off. He had been thrown into this without a clue or direction as to what he could do and he was helplessly treading against the downward pull. Yama didn’t realize how hard he was clutching the phone.   
“No.” Was all the Tsukishima had to say to it. The freckled felt the cold wash over him as if pushed under water, the other stopping all attempt of saving this; saving himself. Yamaguchi couldn’t hold back the miserable sob rising and he didn’t move to stop the tears from rolling down his face. He felt numb. He felt robbed. He suddenly felt very alone in the silent humm of the phone, that he had no words to chase away. 

“It wouldn’t work out anyway”, Tsukishima added, a roughness to his voice that had something in Yamaguchi perk up; something he rarely mustered, but it calmed the trembling in his hands and made his tearfilled voice firmer than and louder than it should have been. “Not if you’re not trying to work it out! What am I supposed to do if you won’t even talk to me? That’s all we have right now!”    
A heartbeat later Yama realized he was yelling and fell silent the second he remembered where he was. He almost expected Tsuki to tell him to shut up, too… but the reaction he got actually hurt more.   
“I’m sorry.”   
  
For a moment Yamaguchi was so stunned, he didn’t even get to think about what else to say before the beeping in the line announced that the other had ended the call. He was left with the noise in his head, a steady buzz that grew into a thrumming headache, as the tears took over. 

  
  
  


_ The noise in the hall became a background static to Yamaguchi as the teams lined up and the captains shook hands. There were a lot of familiar faces down there and they were not on the same side of the court. Ushijima and the Tokyo captain, shook hands at the net before the starting lineup got to their places on the court. Yamaguchi wasn’t surprised, that Tsuki had been chosen over Kuroo for this particular game. Not only because he already knew that the blond had been hot on the cat’s heels ever since he got past the “just a club” mentality but because there was no hiding the personal level of conflict involved for the blond middle blocker. _ _   
_ _ As the guest team, Tokyo had the first ball, their captain doing the honors and playing a straight, that was easily brought up by Daichi. The callouts started joining the squeaking of shoes on the court and the echoing impacts against the ball and Tadashi had to fight down the tears. _

_ He hadn’t expected that hearing Tsukishima’s voice again would hit him quite that hard, but he couldn’t help but remember the times he had heard the same callouts, when they had still been on the same court. _ _   
_ _ “One Touch!” _

_ “Up!” _

_ The first few points went by quite fast, Yamaguchi falling into an old pattern of watching the ball instead of Tsukishima and by doing so getting himself back together a little again. The first month or so after the break up, he had accompanied Yachi to some of Hinata’s and Kageyama’s games but it had not been the same… _ __   
_ After a few turned down invitations the former manager had stopped asking him which was probably the only reason no one would even be expecting him to be here today. He was glad to have this moment to himself to work through what his feelings had become now, even though it was hard. Even though it brought up memories that would probably still be painful years from now, no matter how today would go. _ _   
_ __ He was glad not to have told anyone what he had planned, just in case he wouldn’t be able to go through with it. 


	3. Gave love 'bout a hundred tries...

Yama had had the past half an hour to calm down and dry his tears again, after a very long train ride down south. He was a nervous wreck, but he knew this was the only way he would get answers. He hadn’t talked to Tsukishima since that phone call and not for his lack of trying. Now, he hadn’t told him that he’d be coming for a visit, which wasn’t like him but at this point it seemed to be the only way to get through to the middle blocker.   
It had been a week, that is how much time he gave Tsuki to work through whatever had him do something drastic like that, but he needed something… He needed to know why. For himself. And he needed to see it on the other’s face, because only then would he believe that the blond wasn’t just covering something else, something they could work out.   
  


Finding Tsuki’s apartment was a bit of a struggle but Yamaguchi got there eventually. It was a big complex not far from campus and while not exclusively meant for students the reality was that most of the people living here did go to the nearby college in some form or another. It was the closest thing to cheap living space you could get around here. Naturally most people didn’t live alone in the cozy apartments. Yamaguchi knew Tsuki had a roommate, though he hadn’t shared much, beside his occasional annoyance.

Hesitant to press the bell Yamaguchi lingered in front of the door a little while. He wouldn’t have noticed, had his mind not been as keen on distracting itself with literally anything else than what he was here to do. He wasn’t quite sure what it was, but something about the second name on the doorbell seemed to ring a bell. Ah yes… ringing a bell.    
Yamaguchi dropped the thought with a heavy sigh. He took a deep breath and finally pushed the button, holding his breath for a second, as he heard footsteps coming towards the door. Listening to the pattern, he already knew it wasn’t Tsukishima by the time the door opened to reveal it a moment later.   
Recognition flooded his senses and a very dark conclusion formed itself in his mind. For just a heartbeat he thought that this was all the explanation he needed. He had found the reason Tsuki hadn’t talked about his life here much or his roommate and he had found the reason he wasn’t good enough anymore. 

“Oya?” For a solid moment he stood there awkwardly staring back at the vaguely familiar face that turned from a neutral smile to crooked curiosity while opening the door to fully face the unexpected visitor. Yamaguchi had to clear his throat to get back on track and muster the courage to speak again. “Ah, sorry about the intrusion. Is Tsukishima home?” The freckled somehow mustered a full sentence only fueled by the faked indifference he had so carefully copied from his best friend all those past years.    
He knew the black haired ex-captain of Nekoma. He had aged of course, but his hair was still the signature mess, weirdly reminiscent of a rooster. And even if it hadn’t been for that, the expression on his face still held the same sharp quality, always scheming. He was taller than the freckled by a good margin, but not as much as Tsukishima. The inquiring gaze didn’t fail to make Yama uncomfortable though, despite the other leaning lax against the doorframe. He seemed to give the vusitor another once over before stepping aside.

“Sorry, Sorry” Kuroo answered waving at the smaller to step inside. ”He didn’t mention you were coming, too. He’s still out with Aki-ni.” He explained and waited. Yamaguchi didn’t enter meeting Kuroos gaze for a moment, trying hard to find an excuse to get out of this again.    
“I didn’t tell him” He found himself saying. He didn’t know why. He didn’t know the rooster head pretty much at all, but something told him that if he could see through Tsuki's bullshit back in highschool, Yama stood no chance at hiding that fact from him. Lying really wasn’t worth the ridicule, he wasn't good at it on his best days. Kuroo’s eyes grew a little sharper at his words but otherwise his stance didn’t change. 

  
  
  


_ Halfway through the first set, Yamaguchi started feeling the itching sensation of being watched. For another two points he just tried to ignore it, just focus on the game, focus on Tsuki but he eventually he gave in and scanned the room for the source of it. It wasn’t hard to find it, especially because Kuroo was by no means trying to hide it. He was off on the sidelines, waiting for his turn on the court, flashing Yama a lopsided smile, as their eyes met. There was that playful curiosity in his stare that made the former Nekoma captain truly look like a cat. _ _   
_ _ He must have seen the freckled slowly turning red under the attention. The former crow let his gaze wander across the hall just in case anyone was following Kuroo’s eyes to him. It was a needless worry. Most people, especially the ones he knew, were focused on the game. Yama caught a glimpse of a beautiful faint by Ushijima, that had Tokyo stumbling without a chance to get it. The Sendai powerhouse was still most feared for his raw strength but catching his opponent off guard like that had its value. _ _   
_ _ His neck still tickling, Yama couldn’t help his eyes wandering back to Kuroo once more. This time the cat gave a comically obvious wink in his direction and Yamaguchi was more than glad, that the girls a few rows in front of him felt more enthusiasm than him at the gesture. His cheeks had already turned pink at that point anyway, but with the gushing of some Tokyo fangirls in front of him it was easier to ignore the looks directed at him and turn back to the game. _ _   
_ _ And to Tsukishima. He caught himself a millisecond before actually cheering as he watched Bokuto slamming down a straight just a little to fast for the Sendai Wall to block it. His mind found some ease in the pure enthusiasm radiating from the eccentric wing spiker and in the anonymity of the voices thundering through the hall. _ _   
_ _ Well, Kuroo wasn’t the worst person to find out he had snuck his way in here. Probably not his first choice but with how he had gotten to know the cat, he had some trust in his ability to read the situation.  _ _   
_ _ On and off the court. _ _   
_ __ He also knew there was no trusting Kuroo, but he really had no choice in that regard for now. 


	4. I'm the one who put you up there...

“Well, you wanna wait inside or what?” Kuroo raised a brow at him and Yamaguchi didn’t have the courage to say no.

Halfway out of his shoes, Yamaguchi suddenly stopped and looked back at the other. “I don’t want to intrude…” His flight instincts were telling him to run while he still could. That he had done a terrible mistake in coming here unannounced and a part of him was scared to death that his suspicion might be right. It didn’t help him stand Kuroo’s gaze any better, that his thoughts wandered back to what the other might or might not be to Tsuki… he knew he wasn’t good at hiding it.  
“No worries.” The taller closed the door and slipped back into his own indoor shoes, while Yama still fumbled with his footwear. “A friend of Tsuki is a friend of mine.” The cat announced. Yama tried not to frown at the use of the nickname. He could feel the eyes peering right through him, as Kuroo duck past the freckled still trying to open the ties on his shoes with shaky fingers. He didn’t know if he was more annoyed at himself or at his unexpected host. He did know that he really needed to get a grip though. He felt like he was entering the den of a panther and it wasn’t exactly helping him calm down for facing Tsuki later on. 

Kuroo didn’t say another word, neither did he take his eyes off of him, until his guest finally climbed into the provided slippers and was ready to follow him. He lead them down the narrow hall into a decently sized living room. There was something unsettling in the pace of Kuroo’s slouch and the relentless smile on his face. The younger knew it was intentional, he recognized the look quite well. Tsukishima had used it to get under peoples skin, back in highschool. Yama had copied it more than ones, having his back like a ever present shadow.   
“Feel right at home”, Kuroo purred and gestured towards the seating arrangement before dropping down onto the sofa and stretching out. Yama decided to focus on something else for the moment, the cat was ennerving him. He let his eyes wander the neatly sorted living room, before deciding to sit in the one vaguely familiar thing around here. He had seen the armchair in a few pictures Tsuki had send him. This time around it stood in front of a futon set in the corner, presumably because Aki would be staying over. Even so, the room was far more tidy than one would expect from a student apartment. Well, Tsukishima lived her after all. He could even make out the still familiar smell within the potpourri of this place. It wasn’t the same, but it was comforting, when everything else about this situation just made him feel kind of lost.

His host kept quiet until Yamaguchi's eyes unavoidably were drawn back to the still idly smiling face across the coffee table. The cat knew. Yamaguchi wasn’t sure what he knew, but he knew that he knew something. For a moment he just stared back in weirds silence. Until Kuroo got bored of this little mind game.  
“So… can I get you anything?”   
“Just water… Thanks” He answered with a polite smile, still far too tense to make it seem believable in any way. The cat gave a thumbs up and got up to disappear down the hallway giving Yamaguchi a chance to take a breath and rebuild his walls a little. He had to refocus on what he was here to do.   
He would make sure Tsukishima knew he wasn’t mad. Madly heartbroken at first, sure, but he had worked through that somewhat. He wanted him to know that he wanted to work on whatever trouble the middle blocker had with their relationship. It wasn’t like they hadn’t done that before. Sure, they weren’t exactly the couple to have hour long heartfelt talks about their feelings, but that had worked stuff out together. There was a reason they had stuck together for so long and Yama wasn’t willing to let that slide just like that. He knew Tsukishima too well to not know there was something he wouldn’t share unless directly confronted. He knew there were things Tsukishima would never admit to unless pushed past himself.   
He had done that, not often, but he had… and if he remembered correctly, Kuroo had too, back at their first year training camp. Gym 3… Tsuki had never talked much about it, but Tadashi knew that it had had an effect on how the middle blocker grew as an athlete.

_ Unlike most of his old teammates Yamaguchi had stopped playing after high school. This past year and a half he had barely touched a volleyball, aside from the occasional meet up with Hinata due to his friendship with Yachi. There had been days where he had missed it, but with everything else going on they were few and far between. A part of him had hoped it would be the same with leaving Tsuki behind, but even now there were still days, sometimes weeks, where the hole his best friend had left behind dragged him down to a point where getting out of bed was an achievement. _ _   
_ _ He knew that wasn’t Tsuki’s fault. He had learned a lot about himself in their time apart and he knew that today would be cathartic, one way or another. Their relationship had never been quite healthy, he’d had to realize and accept the fact that the way he had made Tsukishima the sole anchorpoint of his life wasn’t good for either of them. He had relied on him too much and trusted himself too little. If nothing else, the awareness for that was something Yamaguchi would always have. That and the memories. _

_ Most of his memories of Tsuki tasted bittersweet now. Yamaguchi remembered the times they stayed late during their last year of high school. The middle blocker had become their captain, though not without protest. In preparation of their last shot at the national stage, the pinch server had worked hard to get the middle blocker’s serves up to par. _ _   
_ _ Seeing Tsukishima on the court right now, still working with the same routine before hitting the ball across the net made Yamaguchi was prouder than he had ever been. Not only that… it made him hopeful. Tsukishima hadn’t wiped every trail of him out of his life. The freckled wouldn’t have expected it, he could basically hear the blond call himself pathetic for just thinking about something impractical like that. But a part of him had feared that the divide between them had stretched beyond what he expected from his old friend. There was no doubt that Tsuki must have changed during the time that had passed too. _

_ The bitter sweet part was, that all of his relentless support, his pushing Tsukishima to admit he was passionate about the sport he seemed so naturally fit for… Him making Tsukishima actually believe that he could make it, that there was nothing pathetic about trying his hardest… all of that hat led them to this day. _ _   
_ _ The Tsuki he had gotten to know in middle and throughout high school had always been someone to prefer the path of least resistance. He wouldn’t admit caring, because that would have meant admitting to a reason to leave that easy road set before him. It meant setting him up for failure, just like the one he had had to discover from Akiteru all those years back. They had never talked about the impact that had had on the younger brother, but Yamaguchi had had a lot of time to figure it out. _ _   
_ _ If it hadn’t been for Yamaguchi, there would have been a decent chance, that Tsuki wouldn’t be here right now. That he would have been studying in Sendai this past year, setting himself up to find a regular office job, work for the same company for the rest of his life, maybe find a wife, build a family, read his kids dinosaur books and hide his old volleyball medals in a dusty cabin. And while Yamaguchi was glad he had helped Tsukishima do something he actually wanted; to take a risk… While he knew it had been the right thing to do, he also knew that in the end it had been one of the things, that had driven them apart. _   
He had realized that pretty early on into his unwarranted ‘single life’ but it still hurt to see the effects today. It drove tears into his eyes, that he didn’t care to hold back anymore. The only one aware of him was Kurro and he knew most of the story anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanna say, that I love writing Kuroo in this.  
Also, hi and thanks for reading. :3


	5. I didn't notice 'cause my love was blind...

When Kuroo came back with two bottles of beer in hand, it was Yamaguchi’s turn to raise a brow. His eyes just followed the cat as he reclaimed his seat setting down one of the drinks in front of his guest.  
“It’s mostly water”, he deflected the lingering confusion and took a sip of his own drink, before adding: “Plus, you looked like you could need it.” The freckled couldn’t help the frown but, he took the bottle and hesitant sip. He didn’t like beer, it was too bitter, but he guessed Kuroo wasn’t wrong. There was a moment of silence in which Yama tried to glean something...anything about the cat’s intention but he had that annoyingly unreadable smile fixed in place. Internally, he sighed. The silence felt even more awkward now. He didn’t want to be at Kuroo’s mercy for picking the subject of what idle conversation there was to be had, so he went with the first thing that crossed his mind, when he tried to figure out what to say...

“So… uhm… how did you… end up living with Tsuki?” Pathetic. He thought to himself and retreated a little deeper into the cushions of the seat. The cat cuckled. “Funny story.” He took a long sip of his bottle before getting to the actual answer. “Kenma broke my heart and left me for a cat.” Kuroo clutched his chest theatrically, freezing in place for a moment, and then laughed his hyena laugh at his own joke before continuing. “So when good old _megane-kun_ got the spot on our team thanks to my generous vouching, I also happened to have a free room.” The freckled furrowed his brows at that. Kuroo shrugged unfazed by the scepticism. “Don’t worry, I make him regret that luck every day.” The rooster head added with a mischievous smile.  
“Kenma was your setter, right?” Yamaguchi asked, not because he didn’t know, but because he needed to wrap his head around the new information, before getting deeper into it. “I think Hinata is still friends with him…” It was ridiculous how easily the cat took the bait and just went with it. Yama wasn’t sure if it was intentional, or if Kuroo really didn’t realize that Yama was trying to stir the conversation.  
“The little ninja, huh? Man, if only he would have said something, Bo has been waiting to adopt that little crow ever since that trainingscamp in high school.“ Kuroo’s smug smile didn’t fade as he pulled out a phone and started to type some sort of message. Yama opened his mouth to say something, then noticed he was at a total loss. Not only had he no real idea who ‘Bo’ was supposed to be, he also had trouble dealing with whatever that cat’s deal was. Sadly that gave the cat enough of an opening to take over again.

  
“And what brings you here... without telling Tsuki?”  
Kuroo asked nonchalantly, putting his phone back in the pocket of his sweatpants and leaning forward onto his knees. He was grinning at the Younger across the desk. For a split second Yama thought he might just pounce on him any second. He took a sip to stall and tried to keep his face as neural as possible, given how much time he had spent around Tsukishima, one could have thought that that should have rubbed off on him. It hadn’t.  
Something told him, even if it had, Kuroo would see right through it.   
“It has been a while…and I’m afraid didn’t really think this through. I’m very sorry I come at an inconvenient time.” Yes, being polite was an excellent scapegoat. It came more natural to him than Tsuki’s usual spite. Yamaguchi was almost sure he was still being an open book. Though if Kuroo noticed something, he didn’t let it show. “Nah, don’t worry about it”, he waved him off in the same relaxed way he held himself in general. “You’re the perfect excuse for me to not be doing actual work, so stay as long as you need to.” There was a very obnoxious wink. “Ain’t I a good host?” Yamaguchi smiled a little, even if only out of pure despair. 

After that Kuroo managed to talk his guest into a very weird card game, that Yamaguchi was half sure, had been made up on the fly, because new rules kept coming up as they played. It managed to pass time though and somehow still turned out to be moderately fun. At some point the freckled actually found his beer empty and was promptly presented with a new one that he didn’t care to protest against anymore, but took his sweet time drinking from.  
And then probably a good two hours later he heard the front door opening and instinctively stood.   
“Tadaima”, Tsuki’s voice mumbled from the small hall. Yamaguchi’s palms started sweating. “Okaerinasai.” Kuroo chirped back setting his cards down and leaning back where he sat, attentive eyes watching whatever was about to unfold. Yama felt dumb standing there, but sitting down wouldn’t really make things better now. A moment later the Tsukishima brothers stood in the door to the living room, the younger in the front stopped so suddenly, that Akiteru ran right into him.   
“Oh, hi Tadashi”, the older waved over his brother’s shoulder. He slipped past him and promptly plopped down next to Kuroo. “If I had known you were coming, I could have given you a ri…” The other gave no sign he intended to move, just holding Yamaguchi’s sorry gaze with his cold eyes. Akiteru was interrupted as Kei finally found his voice.   
  
“What are you doing here?”

  
_ Somewhere towards the end of the first set Yamaguchi almost forgot what he had come here to do. The tension on the court hadn’t subsided, the teams battling over who could keep up the moral and start off this encounter with a first set on their side. A lot of teams would have chosen to spare their resources but apparently both trainers had decided that that strategy wouldn’t match their player’s vibe today… _ _   
_ _ The score evened out and a 3 ball deuce and kept the players on the court until Bokuto struck down two points for Tokyo, getting his spirits up beyond imagination. His cheering had the whole hall up and roaring in turn. This might not be his home crowd but ever since high school the owl had loved the noise either way. He didn’t care who was cheering he just thrived in the choir of voices echoing through the hall. He’d be even more difficult to deal with that coming set, if Sendai had no strategy in place to get the owl off of that high… seeing the pointed looks some of the Sendai player threw at the spiker, he assumed they had though. _ _   
_ _ This promised to become very interesting, very fast. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Yamaguchi went and hid in a bathroom stall during the break. More eyes would be up towards the stands and he didn’t want to be seen. He felt bad, because there was some hold up for other people actually using the bathroom, but right in that moment, the guilt was less threatening, than the prospect of being spotted by anyone else. He just wasn’t ready for that yet. He also washed his face to get rid of the dried tears. He was sure he wasn’t doing that for the last time today, but it felt good to get rid of the lingering proof of his strained emotions. Sure enough he reemerged once he had heard the whistle. He found a spot in a different corner, just to try and throw Kuroo off. _ _   
_ _ It didn’t last long but it was really all he could do. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Once Set 2 progressed it was easy enough to ease into just watching the tension unfold again. From where he stood now, he could see Tsuki’s face. He wasn’t sure it was a good idea, but the Tsukishima he had known, didn’t really look up into the crowd, so he should be fine. _ _   
_ _ Soon enough the strategy of the Sendai team started to shine through. They were targeting the owl with almost all they had. Their whole setup was a lot more defensive, trying to just keep the balls up, more than actually scoring… specifically, when Bokuto was the one who got third contact. It almost was like bullying. Yama had a good idea of how that felt. _ _   
_ _ He also knew Bokuto well enough at this point to recognize the moment it actually got through to him. He’d build some resolve over the years but this treatment would have been hard on anyone. _ _   
_ _ Tokyo struggled to get a foot down for most of the set. As Akaashi juggled the difficult balance of engaging Bokuto enough to give him a chance to recover and give his other spikers chances to score. And they did, it was the obvious fault in Sendai’s hard focus, but it was still a rough set. _ _   
_ _ At one point Yamaguchi caught a small interaction between Akaashi and their trainer, just a inquiring look and a vague shake of head. But what drew his attention most was the constricted anger twisting Tsukishima’s face into a stoic smile, as he stared down Kageyama through the net. This wasn’t just friendly competition anymore. Yamaguchi couldn’t see Kageyama’s face from where he was now, but knowing the crow, there was a real chance he did not react, maybe not even see what was going on on his opponent’s face. Kageyama had a way of just staring right through people. He had also gotten better at not paying attention to provocation, Yamaguchi knew that much, from when he had still gone to Hinata’s games with Yachi. Kageyama had become hard to rile up on and off court, except by Hinata, those two still were like oil and water. But them not mixing might actually be exactly what made Hinata bounce even higher, off of Kageyama’s energy. _ _   
_ _ Another silent interaction caught Yamaguchi’s eyes, as the set passed the halfway mark with Tokyo one point ahead. Hinata had not been on the court yet, but him and Noya shared a set of unreadable gestures and silently voiced noises, that… and maybe Yamaguchi was overinterpreting things there… seemed to be vaguely directed at the blond middle blocker. He could only imagine, what their strange wiggling was supposed to mean, but he didn’t miss the concern on Hinata’s face. Now, none of that really made sense to him, but it felt significant enough to put away for later. _ _   
_ _ During the midway break, Tsukishima avoided looking at anyone anyway. He sat together with the infamous gym 3 gang and gave grim consolation to the struggling wing spiker. Between slaps on the shoulder and unheard words from Akaashi, Yama cold see Bokuto slowly sitting a little straighter. Towards the end of their break, attention shifted to Tsuki for a moment. Kuroo slapped the blond’s back laughing but Tsuki just frowned and shrugged him off. He said something, Yama would have died to hear, even though he knew it was probably just a dismissive comment. _ _   
_ _ Only, even Tsuki wasn’t really able to convince people he didn’t care. Not with how he looked across the court when the teams had to get back to their spots. _   
_ It was so rare to see so much emotion on the Middle Blocker’s face… _ _   
_even for Yamaguchi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honest question:  
Is this slow burn? Should I tag it?  
I don't really read a lot of it, but what I consider slow burn usually is a story that internally takes a lot of time for things to get anywhere... I'm just stretching out this one actually quite short match with flashbacks... essentially. idk  
(Also, let me know if there's any other specific tags you think might be missing from what you've read so far, cause I've been thinking about it and am kind of at a loss.)
> 
> Hope you had fun reading :3


	6. Just so you could take advantage of me...

Tsukishima closed the door behind them with a quiet click, shutting out the hushed voices of Kuroo and Akiteru. For a moment Yamaguchi was just standing there, looking at the room he had seen in a very sparse amount of pictures. It fit Tsuki. Not in any terribly obvious way, but it was neat and simple with hints of character, when you knew where to look… A herd of mismatched dinosaur figures on a bookshelf, an allumny paper on the desk, a picture of his team, one of his family... it took Yamaguchi a moment to realize he was stalling by looking around for memories. He felt a lump in his throat as he mustered the courage to turn around and face Tsuki.   
  
He was just standing there, still taller than Yama, still more collected, even in his obvious upset. Their eyes met. Tsuki stayed silent, but Yamaguchi knew he wanted an answer to that question. So… What WAS he doing here?   
“I… I wanted to talk.” Yamaguchi swallowed and felt his knees grow a little less stable beneath him.    
  
“I have nothing else to say to you,” Tsukishima deflected, crossing his arms. But Yama couldn’t stop noticing, wondering… When there was nothing else to say, why was he so tense? Why was his jaw locked, like something could spill out of it any moment?   
He had spend so painfully much time with this person, trying to look indifferent, that it simply did not work on him anymore.    
“I just… why, Tsukki? Why?” Yamaguchi stammered out without really thinking. He felt his hands shaking and crossed his arms holding onto himself in a fragile reflection of Tsuki’s pose. He just knew something was wrong. He knew there was something to this, that the other would not share. It wasn’t the first time Tsuki needed a push; but without a clue on what this was about, even Yama couldn’t guess in which way.    
Coming here, facing him, Yamaguchi had already made himself so vulnerable, because he didn’t want this to end. He didn’t want them to end like this. And he knew his anxieties were probably not right about the reasons, but they just took over anyway. He knew it was stupid but he didn’t know what else to do. He just let the words flow, “Is it Kuroo? Have you…? Is it being apart? Did something happen?… while… Did I-”    
“Yamaguchi…” Tsukishima said in the same voice he always used to shut him up, but he wouldn’t let that happen now.   
“No listen, I just need to know. I need to know if we can still be… us, friends. Whatever happened, we can-”   
“No,” Tsukishima said coldly and it stung. Yama didn’t even know what it was an answer to. It just hurt like taking a serve to the face. He made a step forward before he knew he wanted to and everything just flew out of him in tears, words, emotions… 

He reached up clinging to the neck of Tsuki’s shirt, like he had done before all those years ago back in training camp. His hands were shaking but this time he lacked the energy to shake the truth out of him. “What do you mean? What, no…?” Not only his hands, he was shaking. Tsukishima simply didn’t react. He didn’t fight it, he just stood there and took it, eyes frozen over in his silent stoicism, while Yama pleaded sobbing, “Just talk to me ! I can see that something’s not right! Just tell me what it is!” He clutched the fabric harder, trying to hold on to something. His eyes were searching for any kind of answer on Tsukishima’s face.   
Because there was something there; there was something off about the way he didn’t frown, didn’t just push him off, because he absolutely could have. And there was definitely something in the way Tsukishima looked back at him not even avoiding the stare trying to see right into him.    
A cracking tear had Yamaguchi flinch back, loosening his hold without letting go. For a moment they felt frozen in place looking back at each other. Until Yama felt the tear running down his face again and couldn’t stand those amber eyes anymore, that revealed nothing but the fact that there was still something.    
Something Tsuki didn’t want him to see. “After all we’ve done together. Why do you still let me guess? What’s wrong with you? What’s wrong with me?” But there were no answers; only silence. “I thought you loved me!”   
He felt a touch on his arm and all the energy he’d been taking this from suddenly drained. He sank against Tsukishima’s chest like a deflating balloon and just sobbed. He was trembling, tears soaking into his sleeves and the other’s shirt. But he was slowly calming down, when Tsukishima closed his arms around him, chin resting on his head and just held him. He calmly held the bundle of nerves together like Yama always struggled to do. For a moment, Yamaguchi could reach out for the hope, that they could work this out. Maybe it was guilt, maybe it was fear, maybe they both just needed each other there… Maybe there really were no words right now.    
Maybe this wasn’t lost.   
Maybe this wasn’t stupid, he hoped as he lifted his head, eyes closed in a silent prayer and clumsily finding Tsuki’s lips with his own. His were chapped and rough from his last days of worrying, overthinking. Tsukishima’s tasted like strawberry desserts and a lingering bitterness of coffee, black.    
And for a second it felt like floating, when Tsukishima kissed back.   
  
What had been a soft plea turned into a rough desperation in the matter of a heartbeat, but at this point Yamaguchi didn’t care. He was tired and drained and he just needed his best friend back. He needed to know that they would be alright and if this was the only way Tsuki could show him, he’d take it. Anything that would make him stop guessing.   
Tsukishima slowly urged him backwards, arms keeping him from stumbling, until his shoulders hit the wall. Tsuki’s body pressed against him, pinning him, lips not leaving his skin. He felt the shiver run down his spine and the heat radiating off of Tsuki. His lips started to kiss along the trailing tears, down his freckled cheeks until they caressed his neck. “Tsukki…” Yama sighed, closing his eyes, arching his back to feel more of the other against him.

Tsukishima stiffened, hands and lips coming to a halt and what must have been a second, burned itself into Yamaguchi’s memory. Yamaguchi’s arms traveled up to hold himself together, as Tsukishima stepped back. The peace was gone and the thoughts were back crashing over him like a flood wave. Tsuki turned away, hiding his face.    
Yama didn’t breath. He still felt the heat lingering where Tsuki’s hands had been, his lips still prickling from their kiss. Everything else just felt numb while silences stretched between them.   
When Tsuki looked back up at him, he looked like he had been slapped across the face. His jaw was locked again, a hard line underneath sunken brown eyes, that had been melted by this short outburst of emotion. Tears hang in the corners, like condensation. Yamaguchi saw the pain and didn’t know what else to say. He watched Tsuki’s throat as he swallowed dryly, his own fingers digging into his arms as he tried to hold on tighter. Tsuki didn’t meet his eyes as she spoke. “This doesn’t change anything.” His voice was cold, restrained and distant.   
Yamaguchi felt the tears flowing down his face again, silent this time. His throat felt like it was being strangled, but the pain really started from his chest. Lack of air, his brain silently whispered, as if logic was the best distraction right now. And he gasped as his lungs filled again. He made a step forward and Tsuki moved out of the way without another word… without even looking at him.    
Yama stared up at him, with all the confusion and hurt that threatened to overwhelm him again. Tsukishima’s eyes just focused on the wall behind him, unmoved in their own pain. His mouth twitched and turned to look down at the floor again. Yamaguchi felt the need to to hug him, tell him everything would be alright but he had just seen how that went.    
Tsukishima’s voice was very small, when he spoke next. “I’m sorry.”   
Somehow that was worse than everything else.    
Yama forced himself to turn away and start walking… 

_ The pause had turned things around for Tokyo in the second set. Whatever peptalk his friends had had in stall for Bokuto, it had the owl back in fighting shape. Yamaguchi saw a wide smile on Hinata’s face, as he recognized what his partial high school mentor was doing. It was just like the redhead to forget, that it wasn’t doing his team any good, that Bokuto managed to be the proudest decoy Yamaguchi had ever seen.  _ _   
_ _ Sendai did try to adapt, but they were not fast enough, by the time they noticed that their strategy had been turned against them and managed to get their mindset straight again, Tokyo had a comfortable lead and eventually took the set from the home team.  _

_ This time Yamaguchi stayed and just laid low, while the teams got their break. He kept his eyes on Kuroo, meeting his a couple times, but no one seemed to notice. Part of him was still jealous of the cat, even though they were friends now. However that happened… Yama still wasn’t sure if he should call it luck, but it certainly had been a curious turn of fate. _ _   
_ _ Break was almost done when another pair of eyes met his. _ _   
_ _ Brown pupils were staring back at him from the opposite side of the ranks.Yamaguchi mustered a smile and a sorry wave, before he saw Yachi turn her head to pull out her phone. He sighed internally. His guilty conscience only really hit him, when Yachi raised her head again, looking at him in worry. At about the same time, his phone silently buzzed in his pocket. _ __   
_ He would have loved to ignore this just a little longer, but Yachi’s eyes were on him, so he pulled out the device and fixed his eyes for the display for a little while. They wrote back and forth for a little while. He told her he was sorry, but fine. And suddenly felt very silly for not telling her… She would have helped him. _ _   
_ __ But for now they were stuck on opposite sides of the court as the whistle announced set 3.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this is still going on. And yes it is still terriby infequent... ^^  
Hope you can enjoy anyway.


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